Hiding vs. Comfort

I’ve mentioned in prior posts about how uncomfortable in my skin I became. I hid my body because it made me uncomfortable. Body positivity is important to me. It’s something I still struggle with, daily. I follow people on Instagram who inspire me to keep a body positive image.

I don’t think it’s truly an easy thing to do for anyone these days. There are always the negative Nancys commenting on people’s posts. It’s not just the plus size models that get comments either. It’s all women (and I only feel qualified to speak about women, but I’m sure it happens to men too). No one seems to be safe from people who want to put them down.

One thing that several of my exes have not understood is the concept of what being comfortable in your clothes actually means. This definition is not universal. It works differently for different people, as it should.

For me, when I gain weight, I’m uncomfortable and buying clothes in the size that now fits doesn’t make me more comfortable. It makes me more uncomfortable. When I’m bigger, I personally, want to hide what I look like. I don’t want the form fitting clothes for my size. I want the bigger shirts and pants that hide the weight I’ve gained. And yes, I do know that sometimes these clothes can actually make me look bigger, but again they make me more comfortable.

  As I’ve mentioned before, I grew up surrounded by all boys. I didn’t have hand me downs from a female until I was in high school. I loved the baggy jeans and big t-shirts. Not to mention, when you are 13, 5’8” and have a D-cup, those clothes do a pretty good job of hiding what’s going on. The hiding made me comfortable. I, mostly, didn’t get the attention I didn’t want.

I say mostly because some things just can’t hide how you look: bathing suits, dresses, etc. I didn’t start having serious problems with the wrong kind of attention until I was older and I will talk about that in another post.

At my heaviest, I weighed 220lbs. I was always in jeans in t-shirts. This was my freshman year of college. I don’t think I particularly let it stop me from wearing anything, but at the same time I still gravitate toward what is comfortable. The smallest I was in college was 150lbs. Almost everything felt comfortable then. This definition of comfort may be unique to me and that’s ok. There is nothing requiring you to feel the way I do. Being at a weight where I’m happy with how clothes look on me makes me comfortable. You are the only one that can truly decide on your own happiness.

I have to be honest, I really don’t understand the trends of today because I don’t understand how they are comfortable. If you are comfortable enough and want to wear items that expose yourself, that’s your choice. I just can’t get behind it. I don’t want to worry about my butt or any part of my body hanging out of my clothes. I have enough trouble making sure t-shirts aren’t too tight and that my jeans fit.

As for hiding, I don’t do too much of that now. I do buy a lot of shirts from the men’s department. This is mainly because the lack of nerdy clothes in the women’s department. The men’s t-shirt selection is usually far superior. When I gain weight now, and it does happen, I don’t hide as much, but I want to be comfortable.

If someone truly respects your comfort, they will not force you to wear things that make you uncomfortable. I’ve had several exes try to force me to wear skirts and dresses because it’s what they wanted see me in and they didn’t seem to care how uncomfortable it made me. This doesn’t mean that there shouldn’t be compromises, but the key is that you need to be comfortable.

I have discovered a clothing brand where the skirts and dresses fit me perfectly and even if I weigh more I still feel comfortable. I have photos of myself in their dresses on my Instagram if you’re curious. I love looking to see what the new styles are. I, sadly, don’t go out all that much. Nor am I the biggest fan of dressing up, but I do know where to get an outfit if I need one. I have posted photos of some of the outfits below.

To wrap it all up, hiding how you look doesn’t really work in the end. It may take you longer than you would like to accept your body. I know I wish I had accepted mine earlier, but once you do you’ll feel so much better. I don’t beat myself up if I gain weight. I accept that I enjoy eating food that isn’t necessarily good for me and work on getting back to where I was before. My comfort level decreases as my weight increases. I don’t have a goal number persay. I have a goal comfort level. I want to be able to pick out anything in my closet or try on a new outfit and be comfortable and not wish some part of it didn’t feel different.

Dr. Seuss is my go to for quotes, so here is a good one, “Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think and twice as beautiful as you’ve ever imagined.”


Stay tuned for the next episode….